Opening Up

Now this post is the hardest thing I have had to write. In a previous post, I had told you guys about me having PTSD. Well my PTSD comes from being sexually assaulted when I was 19 by someone I considered a friend and molested from 6-12 by a total stranger. I suffer from that every day. The constant images and reminders of what happened to me haunts my everyday life. I had a trust issue with men and I still do a little. I don’t go to therapy for it because writing is my therapy. The person who molested me hasn’t been caught and the guy who raped me was caught. He will spend the rest of his life in prison. The one thing that upsets me is that he wasn’t caught till after he raped someone else. I met her in court because I had to testify against him as a victim. I was extremely scared and emotional because the trial came suddenly. They had tested my rape kit and it matched his DNA. I was fucked up over it because this news came 2 years after my rape. I had gotten a call stating that they were in mid trial and they needed me. After everything happened I went into complete shutdown mode and I went crazy. I had nightmares and flashbacks. I went into complete rage, frustration, anger, depression etc. I tried to commit suicide, I went down a destructive path that I didn’t care if I lived or died. I went into a complete depression and I never wanted to come out of it. How I felt about life after the rape and the trial was all negative. I looked at men differently and for the longest I didn’t care if I was alone because I never wanted to be with a man again. I wrote this entry to let people know that I am human I was a victim and I came out of it stayed strong even at my weakest and lowest points. I still have my episodes but there not as bad as they use to be. I was diagnosed with PTSD and Anxiety but I don’t and won’t let that define YASMINE.